To Be or Not to Be
by An Ordinary Riceball
Summary: How ironic. After everything I did to taunt Mamiya Manami and Kamichika Rio and so many others..., I'm now the one falling just to prove somebody wrong. This is what they call karma, right? Well, I guess I deserve this... Warning: A sort of suicide attempt. The story is 3rd person POV by the way. It's kind of rushed, so I'll probably go back over it one day.


_**Story: To Be or Not to Be**_

 _ **Summary:**_ _ **How ironic.**_ _ **After everything I did to taunt Mamiya Manami and Kamichika Rio and so many others..., I'm now the one falling just to prove somebody wrong. This is what they call karma, right? Well, I guess I deserve this...**_

 _ **(And yes, the title is based of Shakespeare's Hamlet, because I had no idea what name this. I was also kind of bitter when I wrote this, so...)**_

 _ **Disclaimer: I don't own Durarara!**_

 _ **...**_

 _To be or not to be; That is the question._

Orihara Izaya was a man of great envy. It culminated his very being, devoured his soul.

People were his playthings, his pawns, because he envied their ignorance.

Life was his chessboard, because he envied other people's lives.

Empathy was unethical, therefore nonexistant, as he had deemed it useless, because he envied those who were able to "confide in another person" and "be there for another person", and even gain the respect for doing so, and especially those who had the _desire_ to do so.

Tears were unethical, therefore unneeded to express himself, because he envied those who were easily able to cry and release and their feelings, and even embrace them.

The kind of happiness that was defined by most people was unneeded for him, because he envied other people's happiness and their will to obtain it.

Anger was too tempting therefore unethical, because it would only futhur reduce what sense of self-control he had left.

Logic was all he could ever rely upon, because he couldn't function properly _any other way_ and he envied others for being _able_ to.

He wanted to see himself as a God, because he envied those who were able to stand out.

He refused to accept petty 'help' and pity from anybody, so he just kept to logic, and always simply claimed to enjoy his life even when he didn't, because it simply made the most sense to him and it would only surely bring unforseeable and unethical trouble if he did. He thought he always would be fine as long as he had his humans, yet he still found getting bored very easily.

He bit back his pain with a laugh.

He bit back his tears with a sadistic smirk.

He hated how human he himself was, so he laughed at and looked down upon the disgusting humanity of others because it was so much _funner_ and more entertaining to test theirs instead of his own.

He wanted to love other people in a normal and constructive way down deep, so he envied those who could.

He didn't know how to bond with others, so he thrived off of his loneliness because he was aware that the only constant bond he would ever have was within himself, even if he usually couldn't even trust _himself_. He envied those who could and did.

However, he knew that to truly _live_ and be truly 'happy', he needed those things he tried so hard to deny and reject. He had to have bonds, friendships, he needed to be loved, he needed to cry, he needed to accept that he was only human. But he didn't want to.

He _refused_ to. The thought of it disgusted him in fact.

Because he envied these people, and he hated himself the most of all.

He envied and idolized Kishitani Shinra, his first, last and only friend in the world, for being able to confidently live above the world and selflessly get stabbed just to recieve praise from the one he claimed to love.

He envied Heiwajima Shizuo, his worst and mortal enemy, for being able to be loved and accepted even though he was a "monster", while he himself desperately connected to people in the only way he could or knew how to without being hurt.

He envied Ryuugamine Mikado, the teenage boy who had unexpectedly, though by far, exceeded many of his expectations, while still importantly being able to retain many friendships while taking action even when he was terrified, and take full responsibilty for what would be considered terrible actions. He also envied how he was still living the extraordinary life he so desired despite all that.

He envied the Headless Rider, Sturluson Celty, for being able to love and be loved despite being a headless being and distancing herself from humanity as she did. He envied that she had changed, and became the center of, his only friend's world.

Above all else, he loathed and _spited_ _Nakura_ for stabbing that friend, and killing the only bit of innocence that he once had had.

He also found himself envying Karisawa Erika, Yumasaki Walker, Kida Masaomi, Mikado, Shinra, Celty, Sonohara Anri, Kuronuma Aoba, and so many others for simply being able to be forgiven, accepted, and in fact loved in spite who and what people knew they were.

Ever since Shinra had got stabbed, Izaya began to enjoy taking advantage of people's emotions. There still remained only one exception to that; Shinra, also the first and last person to have ever recieved the glories of his disgusting 'trust'.

However -

 _"Go die chest-first into an ice-shaver, Izaya."_ the bespectacled doctor's voice echoed as clear as day in his head from numerous days before.

He suddenly gave a bitter smirk as he thought back to the day he thought he might be killed; which Mamiya Manami had came and tried to do so. To think he'd actually been _"worried" at the slightest_ for his friend down deep, laughter slowly bubbled up in his throat.

"Haha," he chortled.

-And kept laughing, as he slowly kept stepping dangerously close to the edge of the roof of the sunshine-sixty skyscraper which he was standing on.

He started to cackle even harder and louder until his body was rocking in laughter, and his voice was echoing over Ikebukuro, all the while finding himself glaring in envy at the peaceful skies above and citizens below.

He laughed at the crowds.

He laughed at the sorrow, misery, bitterness, loneliness, dismay and everything else distasteful consuming his heart and very being.

He laughed at the knowledge of everything "wrong" with his humans, with the people he claimed to love.

He laughed at his own cowardice.

He laughed at the numerous memories of looks of hate and betrayal on the faces of the people he had tricked and filled with despair.

He laughed at the memories of the many "thank you"s he had recieved for 'helping' people.

However, over time, the past few months he got unexplainably bored. _Terribly_ bored.

Yet he continued to laugh the laugh of a broken man.

He continued to laugh, and couldn't bring himself to stop, until-

"Ori...hara-kun..., what are you doing all the way up here...?"

Izaya stiffened at hearing the familiar voice of his friend from middle school. However, he didn't turn around. "Ah, Shinra, fancy meeting you here, hm?"

He couldn't look.

"That's my line isn't it? You don't normally stand that close to the edge of roof tops unless you're thinking about something or relieving stress, you know." the doctor said.

"Ah, who knows? I guess you could say I'm simply singing the glories of my loneliness up here, then." the informant said. His smile almost seemed to waver when he heard Shinra clacking toward him with his clutches.

"Let me guess," Shinra said, "you're up to some of the same old stuff as always, aren't you?"

"I-" Izaya started to say something, but Shinra cut him off.

"No need to hide it, Izaya. You and me both know I'm right."

And that was all he needed to hear to grow even more envious than before.

He suddenly let out a sad and pathetic laugh.

"I don't get you, Shinra. It's so not fair that you can read me that well."

"Ah, but I wouldn't be your friend if I couldn't, Izaya."

"True enough," Izaya momentarily closed his eyes, "but even so,"

He turned to gaze at Shinra with a pained smirk. "I've always envied that about you. I can't understand you at all, so I honestly _don't_ know what or how much you know about me."

"A-ah-ha-ha, yeah, that's true too, I suppose." Shinra suddenly scratched his head awkardly.

"Oh, by the way, you're liable to fall, Orihara-kun. You should back away from there, ne?"

He started to reach out to Izaya, but Izaya stepped even closer to the edge when he did.

"Orihara-ku-"

"Shinra, what if I did jump?" Izaya suddenly inquired.

"W-wait, what?" Shinra's heart briefly stopped.

"Ah, don't worry, Shinra. I'm just speaking theoretically, ne?"

"O-oh, I see..." Shinra suddenly sighed in what appeared to be relief. "well, um. To be honest, I don't know what I'd do. But you're not the type to do something like that and succeed, ne?"

"...Fair enough." Izaya nodded.

"But let's say I _did_. And let's say I succeeded-"

"Orihara-kun,... are you mad at me for something?... Is that why your saying these things?... If it it's about the hotpot party, I'm really sorry; I really wanted to invite you, but Kyouhei-kun-"

"No, you haven't done anything to get me mad at you."

 _You never could._

"Shinra, I just want to hear your answer. If I died, what would you think?"

"If you commited suicide like that, then I might think it was both your fault and my fault."

"Ah? Why would you blame yourself at all? It's not like it would be anybody but my own fault."

"But I would because you're my friend. If I don't do anything to stop you, then-"

"'Friend'...?" Izaya muttered.

"Ha-ha-ha-ha! I've heard and used that term so many times that it's basically lost it's value! When you say 'friend' what the hell do you mean, Shinra?! _Alas, you're_ the one who told me, _"Go die chest-first into an ice-shaver"_ right when I was in the hospital! By saying 'bye' to me and hanging up, you basically said that you didn't care!"

"...Izaya," Shinra softly, giving him a warm yet somehow hurt smile. "do you really think I meant that...?"

Izaya swallowed, disgusted by the kindness Shinra was expressing.

"Well, I might as well have thought so! I mean I hardly ever know when you mean something, after all."

"Yes, I did get kind of irritated. I was just about to take a picture of Celty when you called me, but I was never actually _mad_ at you for that. I'd get at least _kind_ of upset at _anybody_ who interrupted my time with her."

"Is that so...? Well, anyway, it's not just you. It's me. Look, I've grown _bored,_ Shinra, more than I can comprehend and I hate it. I find it nearly impossible to stimulate myself anymore."

"You used to be afraid of death, you know... I guess my Celty changed all of us even though it wasn't her intentions, huh...?" Shinra glanced away.

"Well, it's thanks to her that I have more ease on my mind at the thought of death. I could easily leave if I wanted to."

"...You won't succeed if you try, because you don't actually want to die, Izaya. What you really want to know is that somebody cares, ne? In actuality, you just want to reject the life you have now because you know it could have been different, right?..."

"You think?... Honestly, you always talk too much, Shinra. But who knows? Maybe you're right..." Izaya's smile vanished, as he turned around to face his friend. He could never stand how well Shinra read him.

"Ah, one other thing. Thanks for being my friend."

He refused to prove Shinra right in any accusations whatsoever.

And so he jumped back into the air, letting himself fall. As he fell, the sudden adrenaline rush felt great, perfect for somebody who claimed to be a god.

But still, even so -

 _How ironic..._

 _After everything I did to taunt Mamiya Manami and Kamichika Rio..._

 _and so many others..., I'm now the one falling just to prove somebody wrong._

 _This is what they call karma, right?_

 _Well, I guess I deserve this..._

 _for all the trouble I've caused in Ikebukuro._

 _Even so..._

 _I don't want to die..._

 _I don't want to die._

 _I don't want to die._

 _I'm_ afraid _._

Tears of fear, regret and betrayal began freely falling from his eyes.

 _I hate you, Kishitani Shinra... You damn bastard for a friend... Shit._

And that's when he heard Celty's 'horse', as shadows surrounded him.

 _"Talk about adding an insult to an injury... How disgusting. Great. Of all things and people..."_

Izaya however, did nothing to bring himself to stop her from saving him. He had entirely lost the will to do anything at the moment to fight against her help. Instead, he now just sat there, sobbing on the ground, cursing every last bit of his existence, ignoring any stares he was possibly recieving while cursing people that might be staring.

He couldn't deal with Shinra. Why the hell had Celty saved him? He hadn't asked for such a thing. To be saved by such a being was an insult to his pride.

What disgusted him even more was that he was somehow actually _glad_ she had saved him, or at least glad that he didn't die.

Soon, he felt somebody's arms around him. Izaya opened his eyes, recognizing the white lab coat sleeves and familiar oder.

"...You see?" Shinra mumbled, hugging him from the side, lifting him up a bit. "I told you you wouldn't succeed, didn't I? It's because I wouldn't _let_ you, Izaya."

"Shinra... why-"

"Because we're friends," Shinra repeated his reasoning from earlier. "although, if you actually had, I think I might have ended up hating somebody for the first in my entire life."

Despite the humor in the idea, Izaya couldn't bring himself to chuckle as if it were a joke.

"...Is that so? That's too hard of a picture to imagine. It's actually kind of scary. I don't really think I'd ever want to see that." Izaya admitted.

"Ah, yeah," Shinra said a bit sheepishly. "anyway, depressing thoughts aside, look at me,"

Izaya reluctantly complied, tears still flowing from his eyes. Dark gray met auburn.

"See, I understand that you have problems trusting people, but we're best friends, you and I, so you should learn to rely me a little more, Izaya. You know?..." Shinra smiled softly.

"Huh, I thought Shizu-chan was your friend since elementary school...," Izaya wiped his face with his right hand. "so wouldn't that make you closer to him?"

"Ah, well, Shizuo-kun gets along way better with Celty. He's still my friend, but I'm your only friend, and you're the only person I can even truly go to even when I can't rely on Celty. We're the only people on this journey to 'love' something that nobody else has ever loved before, get it?"

"So in the end, it's still all for your own satisfaction, ah?"

"No way, I'm here for you too, but I'm simply here the most for myself."

"Haha... I should have known at least that much." Izaya laughed a bit.

"Oh, Celty, what's up?" Shinra gazed up, followed by Izaya.

Celty was kneeling in front of Izaya, typing a message.

[If I may ask, what's wrong with you, Shinra? You allowed Izaya to jump off of a building?! And, Izaya, that was crazy!]

"A-ah-" Shinra started to speak, but Celty continued.

 _[I was always aware that you were a bit of a masochist, but seriously?! You could have died! D:]_

Izaya was speechless for a moment, trying to grasp Celty's message, before he suddenly started cackling. When she was obviously about to demand why he was laughing and that it wasn't funny, he quickly explained himself. "You're way too funny, Courier... Why did you save me though? It was for Shinra, ri-"

And she slapped him.

"I-Izaya?! Celty!" Shinra cried, just as shocked as Izaya and not sure what to do. Celty ignored him.

 _[How could you even ask 'why'?! I may not like you very much, Izaya, but, unlike Shizuo, I could never kill you or just let you die! And aside from that,]_

 _[This world is_ never _as bad as you think. Never! Got it?!]_

Izaya sighed. "Yeah, I think I got it... Well whatever... Also, Shinra, did you seriously suspect what I was thinking when you approached me earlier?"

Celty was astounded that Izaya had completely blown her off, but simply listened to their conversation.

"Nope, not really, but Celty was the one who said you had been acting kind of strange, and she told me I should check on you. But aren't you glad she did? Isn't Celty amazing?!" Shinra smiled. Celty internally blushed at his prasies.

"Yeah, but still not as great as my humans though..." Izaya then averted his gaze.

"Hey Shinra, by the way,... are we just gonna go back to the way it was without you acting like you care at all? About our friendship I mean..."

"Hm, that's up to you, Izaya. If you _want_ to rely on me, I'll be here. But you always have to let me know if you want to talk about something, or if you want something from me. Because even _I_ can't _completely_ read your mind."

"Then I guess there's no point, Shinra. Most importantly, I don't even know where or how to begin..."

"Well, how about this-" Shinra grabbed Izaya's hands.

"Why don't we figure it out together? Okay?"

"Together...?" Izaya blinked. "I can try it, I guess... But only because I love hu-"

"No, because you care for your friend!"

"I don't know what you're talking about, Shinra."

" _It's impossible,_ said pride. _It's risky,_ said experience. _It's pointless,_ said reason," Shinra then moved his head over a bit, whispering into Izaya's ear:

" _Give it a try_ , whispered the heart..."

"Shinra..., thanks again for being my friend even though an idiot like me doesn't deserve one... I really do mean it." Izaya mumbled. Shinra just hugged him, to show he heard.

"Also, thanks for saving my life, Courier... But seriously, Shinra, you'll be here if I call you out?"

"Any day..."

 _Every day, then._

Shinra was most certainly even more messed up and twisted than himself, but that made it right. Shinra would be his twisted reason for living, if nothing else.

And that was that the least he could do to make up for the trouble he had caused him.

He would never change completely, no, but he would do what he could just get by because Shinra, his only friend and life saver wanted him to _live_.

To _be_.

...

 ** _After all, Durarara! Is not just a twisted story, but a twisted love story._**

 ** _Lol joking. You can take this as one-sided IzaShin or not :P_**

 _ **A/N: Well, I wanted to write something with Shinra and Izaya, so here it was. Let me know what you think if you will! Please? And Shinra's last quote is an anonymous one I found on QuotesTalk dot net.**_


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